~ When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

~  To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it!

~  When I say, "The other day" I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

~  Interviewer: "So, tell me about yourself."   Me: "I'd rather not. I   kinda want this job."

~  Cop: "Please step out of the car."  Me: I'm too drunk.  You get in."

~  I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

~  I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

~  Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

~  If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "Did you bring the money?"

~  When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “Nothing”  it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

~  Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is new midnight.

~  I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

~  I run like the winded.

~  I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

~  I don't remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

~  When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

~  I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

~  When I ask for directions, please don't use words like, east.

~  It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

~  Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

~  The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

Photo by Alena Darmel, PEXELS.